Title: I was never welcome here CH1
Fandom: DC
Paring: None
Gen: Angst

Its all a matter of breathing and reminding himself its just another few days. Just a couple of days until Tim can sees his friends.They’re more of a family than his ‘real’ family at this point. Dick and Jason and Damian and Steph, he’s never felt farther from them. All Dick and Jason do is fight, all Damian does is belittle Tim, Stephanie is just kind of there. Its got to the point he can’t even be around them, less the pain overwhelm him. After patrol, he would goes to his apartment; he doubted they noticed or cared where he went.

Just a few days of Gotham. He had gotten this down to an art.

Tim hated the feeling of being in Gotham. There was nothing for him there anymore, just sadness and memories of when he actually mattered, and emptiness. He cant recall the last time he heard Dick laugh, Its been replaced by Bart’s high pitched giggle. He can’t remember Bruce’s smile, Cassie’s bright smirk takes its place. He can’t even remember the feel of Stephanies hands, Kon’s strong grip took over that one. Cassie, Bart, Kon. They’re his family who have been there for him from the beginning. Raven and Rose and Gar, people he’d never thought he would come to care about. They’re his friends who have his back no matter what. He wished he could see them all the time. At least he had Kon to visit him on some patrol nights, usually when he felt the most lonely. Kon was amazingly intuitive like that, especially when it came to Tim. Those visits made it so much easier for Tim to make it through the week. Reminds him he isn’t better off dead when his thoughts turn dangerous.

Sometimes, like tonight, its the blade that keeps him from breaking. Its like he’s cutting himself open, and all the pain inside of him can escape into the night air. He’d made the mistake of going back to the manor that night, and after an hour of yelling, ran upstairs to ‘his’ room. There was already a scarlet line on his left wrist, and he made a second one just below it, engulfed in the smell of blood and the feel of the blade. Its ironic, because it was like he was proving Damians point by doing this. Kon would probably call him in a day or so, and Tim will cry and say he’s sorry, and Kon will tell him one moment of weakness means nothing, and how much it hurts him, Bart and Cassie when he hurts himself.

Fuck Tim cursed. I don’t have a rag or anything to stop the bleeding. As it was, the blood was dripping down and puddling. He gripped his wrist tighter and ran down the stairs, praying he didn’t leave a trail of blood in his wake.

There was a rag within reach, and he grabbed it, wiping up the excess blood and wrapping it around the scars.


Tim’s eyes widened and he called back up, voice shaking “Yeah, Damian?”

The boy, much to Tim’s fear, walked into the light of the kitchen with a scowl on his face. Tim immediately tossed the rag behind him in hopes Damian wouldn’t realize what was going on. Damian raised an eyebrow and crossed the kitchen, advancing towards Tim. He reached behind him and took the rag that was now bloody, inspecting it.

“Drake, what the hell are you getting so tense about? We get hurt, we bleed, its what we-” The youngest robin stopped, and eyed Tim, his wrist now hidden behind his back discreetly.

“Let me see your wrist” Damian snapped.

“Wha- Why- No.” Tim sputtered.

“Your wrists, Drake. Let me see them.” Damian sounded frantic and angry, like someone had just stepped on his cat, and Tim took a breath. He brought up his clean wrist, showing it to the boy, who just scoffed.

“The other one, Drake.”

Tim slowly brought up his still blood stained wrists, and Damian looked and sounded pissed now. “How stupid are you? Do you actually think you have it bad?”

“Damian, dont start with me.” Tim yelled back You don’t know what i’ve gone through and what i’ve lost-”

“Your best friends, who are now alive, Your girlfriend, who is alive and well now, and my father, who is also alive at the moment. All you’ve really lost is your parents.”

And he was right, but the pain from the losses remained locked inside of Tim, bubbling and festering until they pooled over. “Look, I’m not going to open up and tell you how wrong you are, but my business is mine.What do you even know about loss?” he immediately wanted to take it back.

Damian’s hands curled into fists and Tim was almost sure Damian was going to hit him. He wouldn’t blame the boy “Are you even thinking? I’ve had to change my entire way of thinking and living just to get approval.”

“Oh boo hoo the baby assassin can’t kill anymore.” Tim sneered back, mostly in anger, but in spite as well.

“Drake, if you’re going to kill yourself, then do it and be done with it. Dont make us wait.” the boy cut back, and stormed out of the room. Regret filled Damian, but he didn’t go back. Just went to his room to try and sleep.

Tim was left alone, like so many other times. Damian’s words stuck with him again. Who would really care? Kon Bart and Cassie had each other, and the family seemed to be getting along fine without him. Hell, they’d probably all be thankful, Tim thought.
Pills would probably be easiest, It would more than likely take them a while to even notice his absence after that. Tim walked back upstairs, thoughts still fuzzy as he tried to sort out the details in his head. He wasn’t even thinking of Kon or his friends now. All he was thinking of was those words: ‘Don’t make us wait.’

It wasn't hard to find the pills (Alfred made no attempt to hide them from the rest of the family) and when he did, the realization of what he was planning hit him hard, but didn't stop him. Tim’s fears of running into someone (namely Damian) were short lived, as the closer he made it to his room, the more his thoughts took hold, and the less he cared.

He made it to his room, and sat on the bed. As he downed the pills, there was only one name on his mind: Kon. The sleepiness was starting to set in, but Tim took his phone and dialed Kon’s number. After a few rings, a voice answered

“Hey, Tim. You doing alright?”

A sadness overwhelmed Tim as the pills took hold and pulled him in farther

“M’fine. Can’t sleep.” His voice didn’t sound like his, but it could just be the sleepiness, or maybe the pills were messing with his perception.

Kons laugh rang in his ears, sounding so far away. “Want me to sing you a song?” he said, half teasing

A smile spread over Tim. He could feel himself drifting. “Yeah. That’d be perfect”

“Okay then. ‘Love of mine, someday you will die. But i'll be close behind, i'll follow you into the dark. No blinding lights, tunnels to gates of white, just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for a hint of a spark.’

The song was something Tim knew, but he was too drowsy to remember the name of. He let himself be lulled by Kon’s voice.

‘If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the no’s on their vacancy signs. If theres no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I will follow you into the dark.’

A sob escaped Tim, and Kon stopped immediately “Tim? Are you okay?”

“I-Im fine. Kon, I cut again today.”

Kon sighed “Tim. Its okay, it doesn’t mean anything.”

Tim drew in a breath “Kon. Im so sorry.”

“Its okay, Tim...Hey, Tim?”

“Kon?” Tim whispered

“I love you.”

“Love you too. So much.” and Tim slipped into sleep
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It wasn’t long before Dick found Tim, lying on his bed.

“Hey. Tim. You asleep?” The eldest boy opened the door a crack. “Damian told me about…” Dick trailed off “We need to talk.”

Tim remained still, and Dick opened the door wide and stepped in “Tim?” A stone cold fear rushed over him, and he ran to where Tim was lying, pill bottle still in his hand.

“Tim, Tim please. Wake up!” He shook his baby brother, then took a calming breath that didn't seem to work. “Tim if this is a joke I will kick your ass.”


Finally, Dick had sense enough to check Tim’s pulse. Weak, but existent. “Baby bird? Please wake up.” Dick wiped a tear falling from his cheek. “Im sorry I haven’t been around lately. Im a jerk brother.”

It was the hardest thing he’d ever done, telling Alfred what had happened. Dick had only ever seen that look on the man’s face once: when he received news that Jason had died.

Damian was quiet. Just looking at his feet while Stephanie cried. Jason had gone to help Dick move Tim over to the medical room. Alfred was talking to an overseas Bruce and Cassandra.

After Tim was in the medical room, Dick picked up Tims phone, which had fallen from his hand as he fell asleep. He dialed Kon’s number, then Barts.



October 2014



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